by Jacinta Nandi
1) Philippa Gordon, later Blake. Remember Anne of Green fucking Gables? I loved those books, and even I thought Anne was a bit annoying, with all that tree-hugging shit. But Philippa Gordon, she was a proper hero. Incredibly gorgeous, with golden blonde hair and a sexy, crooked nose, totally rich, amazingly intelligent – and completely arrogant to boot. Everything she said was witty and charming. She couldn’t decide whether to marry Alec or Alonzo – and in the end married an ugly, penniless vicar named Jonas and went off to be a missionary’s wife. She was excellent. Once, when Anne asked if she knew how good-looking she was, Philippa replied, in all seriousness: “Of course, honey. What else do you think men and looking-glasses are good for?”
2) Anne Frank. Fanbloodytastic. Have you read the dirty critical version yet? They’re dirty bastards, those critics are – and Anne Frank was dirty too – she always masturbating, basically. But I just love the way she was stuck in the attic for all her teenage years and still managed to find some inadequate boy to pretend to be in love with. Teenage girls are the same the whole world over…. Hated her mother, too. Don’t we all. What a hero.
3) Emily Davison threw herself under a horse so you could fucking vote. Now stop being such a stupid cunt and complaining about your cellulite. End of.
4) Agatha Christie. Really crap mother. Anti-Semite. Posh bint. But fuck, at least she was interesting which is more than we can say for Ruth Yawn Fucking Yawn Rendell. I love the fact that when her husband abandoned her like a filthy bastard man she just had a mini-nervous-breakdown, went missing, let over 5,000 people go searching for her and actually all the while she was chilling out in a spa in Hartlepool. You go, girl.
5) Jordan. No one knows whether she got raped or not. We don’t and can’t know. The only people who are certain she is lying are misogynistic cunts who need their dicks sawing off. WE DON’T AND CAN’T KNOW. What we do know about her is that she is a fucking hero. She has survived child abuse, cancer, single motherhood, Peter Andre and she will survive any crap you chuck her way now but you are still cunts for doing it.
6) George in the Famous Five. Bringing lesbianism into the mainstream since 1942.
7) Marie Antoinette. I’ll be honest here. I was raised Socialist so I was always raised to believe that cake crap. But it is just a myth, which is why French people don’t know about it. The truth about Marie Antoinette is that she was the biggest fucking hero whoever fucking lived. After they killed her husband, they took her oldest boy off of her, and got him to say she had abused him. BUT SHE NEVER BLAMED HIM FOR IT, EVER. Who of us can say we think we would be that dignified, that generous, that strong? ONLY A LIAR. When they asked Marie Antoinette what she had to say at her trial, she said: “I was a Queen – but you dethroned me. I was a wife, and you killed my husband. I was a mother, and you took my children. Now all I have left is my blood – take it in haste.” WHAT A FUCKING HERO. Royalty is a load of shite and the Queen Mum was an alcoholic old hag but Marie Antoinette is a fucking hero.
8) Madonna. It doesn’t matter what she does, really. We will never forget. We owe her something. We owe her everything. You think we despise her for being into Kabbalah? Pah! She could re-convert to Catholicism and we would still be loyal.
9) Courtney Love. It doesn’t matter how much this one scrubs up either. When I was fourteen I wrote a Courtney Love quote on my Maths book. It was: “I don’t have a penis and I don’t want one.” My Maths teacher wanted me to mark over it with black pen but I refused to. I had to go to the Head of Year. I told her it was a feminist statement. She said she supported me but what if I covered my Maths book with a poster of Courtney Love? I said okay. This is how feminists are born, people.
10) Elizabeth from Pride & Prejudice. “She loved walking, that Elizabeth from Pride & Prejudice,” says my mum. “Yeah, I know.” I reply. “I love walking, too,” says my mum. “I’m a big walker, I am. Are you a big walker, Cint? You take after me in that way, I reckon. I love walking too. Just like Elizabeth in Pride & Prejudice. She loved walking, that one.” Also the conversation with Lady Catherine de Bourgh where Lady Catherine asks her whether the shades of Pemberley are to be thus polluted is one of the most perfect rows I have ever read in a book, ever.
THEY’RE MINE – WHO ARE YOURS?
PS: Anne Frank’s old classmate (he invented Guess Who!) commented on my Exberliner blog. I know.
