by Jenny Rainsford
- FRANKI , 50. East coast American. Blonde, petite, cousin to Meryl Streep. Mother to Tom Ellis – Californian Democrat rep at the North American Youth Congress – avid campaigner against FRANKI + friends.
- PHYLLIDA, 50. West Coast American. Blonde, 5′6, mistress to Silvio Berlusconi (they’re not all young). Anglified.
The Thames Barrier. 30th August 09. Driving wind. 10 metres viewing range in the spray. Phyllida collects snaps for her photography assignment. Frankie struggles with a loose tie on her harem pants.
F (Shouts) It’s the best thing you’ve ever done Phyllida. Absolutely. I’m so glad I’m here.
P I’m adjusting my aperture darling. one moment
F (Shouts) Will we be heading when the wind drops? No need to rush you in the slightest, lovely to get some cracking shots darling, fully, but can we substantiate the portfolio with some others Fricko, can we?
P clicks away.
F grasps once again the harem tie. In dire straits.
Ten minutes later. A sodden walk back down the pier. PHYLLIDA finds droplets within the camera as well as out of it. FRANKI’s had an accident with her Lilet pads. They hurry.
F Phyllida I’m aging darling, I feel like a tortoise retreating. As I said to Meryl, there comes a point when it stops being quirky.
P oh shh Frankie
F And terrible things are happening. One’s doctors can’t reach.
P Fucking absorbant. Ridiculous. Not your fault. There’s nothing old about you Fricks you’re Giselle in the Annie Lebovitch shot. Wendy in the bedroom. Little girl.
F Lets go out darling please. I’m parched and desperate and ancient. Let’s go out.
F Of course darling. We’ll take the Audio.
Later that night. Frightfully aware of their own mortality, FRANKI and PHYLLIDA have taken a booth at Mahiki. PHYLLIDA’s camera has puddled-up the cloakroom and FRANKI’s harem pants are hanging of the blow dryer in the Ladies.
F I’m back darling. Thank god. Back with the living. I felt like Scott of the Antartic out there – marvellous though it was – you like David fucking Bailey ‘ ilimitable. But you know me and the outdoors, it’s fiddly. Like the jet ski. Terrible. Are we having a jug?
P Darling, yes, darling. WILL!?!?!?
Prince William has entered the club, and unbeknown to the girls, turned down his security’s plea that he take the VIP lounge. He doesn’t want to upset his idylls.
WILLIAM They’re my friends! They’re mummy’s friends. I couldn’t possibly. Come on Pete, Phil!, Jo let’s go to the bar
William has bought his army chums.
P Will!! Come here.
W Phylly! I saw you and thought not to bother.
P Are you well? Is Kate well?
W She’s ok. We’re on a bit of a break. (Gasps from PYLLIDA). She found out Harry’s been in Afganistan and her brains fell out! She lost the plot!
P That hit the news in September last year Willy.
W I blocked her Radio 2 podcast for fear!
P Oh my love. Well are you free for a rum or two?
W ooo! Pete, Phil, Jo!
Cut to 20 minutes later, FRANKI is cosy with JO, 20, from Lincoln.
F …. (under breath) tight.
LATER THAT NIGHT.
PHYLLIDA is wasted. Gufumped.
P In William’s ear. Do you .. do you .. do you … do you …. do you fancy parking that helicopter somewhere near my … patio… garden do you soldier??
WILLIAM gets his coat.
4 .30 am. The Thames barrier. PHYLLIDA is being taken, quite passionately, by William against the railings. In the corner of her eye. 30 feet away, she sees FRANKI in exactly the same position with JO. She laughs. Drifting softly on the blackened waters are the harem pants, fallen in the heat of FRANKI’s endeavours.
PHYLLIDA grabs her camera and snaps.
P Gotcha.
THREE WEEKS LATER
THe National Geographic. Page 15, FLOOD SPECIAL. Bangladesh is in focus.
PHYLLIDA’s picture of the harem pants takes article key page. One week later, Annie Leibovitz recieves the first of many cheques for $15,0000 and forwards her picture PETER PAN to one FRANKI EMIRATES in response. FRANKI and PHYLLIDA start their journey into Leibovitz. Their aim – win the portfolio.
